my OCD and i

i guess the main reason why i can't seem to be blogging on regular basis, for a long period of time, is because i think a lot. a fellow blogger, who's now a doctor, once 'diagnosed' me with "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (OCD). hehehehehe. when i write, i would proof read them over and over just to make sure everything's correct. the spelling, the grammatical part of the sentences et cetera. sometimes, on a rare ocassion, i would mentally plan what i want to write that day. i would read what i've written and would picture myself as the reader..would i be interested in reading what's written there?

i needed perfection in the work i'm doing. even if it's merely a blog.. a personal one to add to that. but being a teacher i guess, i need or have to write well, if not better than my students. lol. plus i personally think that since teaching, my english is deteriorating. things have been going the other way round. it's not my students' level of english that gets better, but mine is getting worse day by day.

this was told by my lecturer [who happens to be an ex-tkcian also..], on the day she interviewed me for my PJJ course, that i need to get out from my school, because my students are making my command of english worse. hehehe. perhaps i'm not much of a exemplary teacher, that's why they are not making any grave progress. lol. but in a way, it does affect me a bit. speaking and writing wise, i'm not as confident as i used to be.

so, my point is.. this OCD thing had an effect on me as a blogger/writer. as the process becomes longer, i slowly feel lazier to write. so, this time around i'll put my foot down and just write whatever comes to my mind. without ever thinking of the correct grammar or if it's interesting enough for the readers. [but sadly i still can't compromise on the spelling part. lol]

oh, and one other thing about blog. i think it works 2-way. when i write, a reader will read. and if that reader has a blog, i will read his/hers. then the reader will leave a comment. so do i. hence, when i am not capable of doing any of those [i.e. leisurely read + comment in others' blogs], i tend to stop writing in mine too.. because i think it's not fair for them to write and write some more yet i couldn't read their entries and leave my p.o.v. to be fair, i just stop writing so that they don't have anything to comment in my blog in return.

but i guess, writing is in my blood. no matter how hard i try, at the end of the day, it still gives me a sense of satisfaction.

a SUPER WEIRD way of thinking? i think it's confirmed now i have OCD.
lol