my OCD and i

i guess the main reason why i can't seem to be blogging on regular basis, for a long period of time, is because i think a lot. a fellow blogger, who's now a doctor, once 'diagnosed' me with "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (OCD). hehehehehe. when i write, i would proof read them over and over just to make sure everything's correct. the spelling, the grammatical part of the sentences et cetera. sometimes, on a rare ocassion, i would mentally plan what i want to write that day. i would read what i've written and would picture myself as the reader..would i be interested in reading what's written there?

i needed perfection in the work i'm doing. even if it's merely a blog.. a personal one to add to that. but being a teacher i guess, i need or have to write well, if not better than my students. lol. plus i personally think that since teaching, my english is deteriorating. things have been going the other way round. it's not my students' level of english that gets better, but mine is getting worse day by day.

this was told by my lecturer [who happens to be an ex-tkcian also..], on the day she interviewed me for my PJJ course, that i need to get out from my school, because my students are making my command of english worse. hehehe. perhaps i'm not much of a exemplary teacher, that's why they are not making any grave progress. lol. but in a way, it does affect me a bit. speaking and writing wise, i'm not as confident as i used to be.

so, my point is.. this OCD thing had an effect on me as a blogger/writer. as the process becomes longer, i slowly feel lazier to write. so, this time around i'll put my foot down and just write whatever comes to my mind. without ever thinking of the correct grammar or if it's interesting enough for the readers. [but sadly i still can't compromise on the spelling part. lol]

oh, and one other thing about blog. i think it works 2-way. when i write, a reader will read. and if that reader has a blog, i will read his/hers. then the reader will leave a comment. so do i. hence, when i am not capable of doing any of those [i.e. leisurely read + comment in others' blogs], i tend to stop writing in mine too.. because i think it's not fair for them to write and write some more yet i couldn't read their entries and leave my p.o.v. to be fair, i just stop writing so that they don't have anything to comment in my blog in return.

but i guess, writing is in my blood. no matter how hard i try, at the end of the day, it still gives me a sense of satisfaction.

a SUPER WEIRD way of thinking? i think it's confirmed now i have OCD.
lol

just not my day

well.. i've written/typed quite a long entry before this, but decided to delete them all.. the words were just so dull. it's like i'm writing in my own personal diary or something like that. lol. as you can see up there, today's just not my day. it started out well this morning. i was feeling happy and cheerful and fresh and full of energy. i came to work feeling very, very positive.

but a colleague informed me a devastating news just as i was about to start work. he told me that our boss [a.k.a the headmistress] was denied of her application for an early retirement by the ministry. my mood changed all of a sudden. in my lab, my mp3 player kept playing moody+gloomy+emo songs all morning. that news was not what i wanted to hear today.

i quickly applied for a transfer right after that. one to kelantan,my hometown and the other one is to besut, a district of terengganu, the nearest to kelantan. i just have to leave this school, i thought. it's not that i don't like it here. in fact, the school's awesome. the facilities are complete. my collegues are all fine, they are very helpful and we are all like siblings already.

it's just that i can't imagine being under her administration for another year. can't handle the pressure. she's just not the type of boss that you'd want to work with. or at least not my type. i know it's beyond my power to 'choose' my boss. and as cliche as it may sound, i know life is not a bed of thorn-less roses. but since i have other options, i would take up any chance that i had in order to 'run away' from her.

today's not my day. hope to hear some thing good soon. sigh~

Letting out & Letting Go

these are the dilemmas i'm having right now. well, not actually dilemmas, they are just the things that i should do, but i think i should not. things regarding 2 of the most important people in my life. i will not go and elaborate further about who they are. the rest is up to your imagination(s). this entry is a follow up of my 'dream' or shall i say 'gangguan syaitan' [because i slept after subuh.]

the first one is about letting out what i truly think to someone. lately, he's being acting extremely weird. weird for his age, weird for his personality. i'm not sure whether weird is the correct word to use, but in short, he's not what he used to be. people closest to me are suffering right now because of his attitude. i cried a bucket when i first heard of his unlikely actions.in my dream, i let out what i felt in his face.he was so shocked, seeing my bold move. i, as everyone knows, am very introvert when it comes to letting out my feelings. i hid what i felt deep inside, no one could ever know it. but in that dream, i was brave enough to stand up and just shout to his ears what i felt. yes, i was satisfied. but in real life, i still don't know whether that's the appropriate thing to do. if i do that, i would be regarded as someone who does not respect the person that should always be respected. this story, only one person knows the details. and i was so grateful i decided to tell that person about it. in a way, i did let out my feelings to someone, even though not to the one i should let it out to. sigh~

next is the classic case of letting go of someone that you know is not meant for you. my closest friends should have no problem relating this story as you guys should know who i'm referring to. the thing is that, in that same dream, i confessed to him that i like(d) him these past 9 years. well, come to think of it, i think this is also a case of letting out my feelings. i think i have managed to let go of him already, out of my heart, but i can't seem to be satisfied without telling him what i used to feel. he's getting married in less than a month, and confessing to him after all these years might seem super-weird!! but i mean no harm. in fact, by telling him about it, i don't think it will change anything. well, maybe i won't be able to face him after this (malu, ok?!), but at the very least, i've told him the truth. i still can remember vividly the 'email' i wrote to him in that dream..[yes, i emailed him, didn't tell him in person!!]..hehehhe..even in that dream, i still malu. still didn't have the courage to tell him face to face or over the phone, even in a dream!!. LOL. erkkk..come to think of it, i haven't seen him (in person) ever since he went abroad. the last time i saw him, i think, was when i sent him @the airport back in '02. gosh!! i was only 19 in '02!! huhuhuhu..

am i even making any sense by writing this? or did i make you readers 'geram' with my attitude that doesn't want to let out what i really and truly feel? hehehehe.. this is me being me. i suffer alone.

i.am.sorry

i know i have not been blogging for ages. those who've asked, and being concerned about my whereabouts, i cannot thank you enough. i am touched. it's freedom from upsr today. my kids have ended their 'fight' towards excellence at approximately 1 p.m. today. i hope they did well in their english papers.

i have been busy. juggling time for work and study. as i told miss B, and those who know me, i'm the worst in time management. i like to do things at the very last minutes. so in the end, it's me who'll suffer. sigh~

sorry, couldn't care less of the correct punctuation or grammar. too lazy to knock on the 'shift' keypad or check the grammatical errors. i'm off to kampung today.will have a long break from school as i'm going to KL this coming sunday for a meeting.

my dearest friends, i'll be staying at hotel impian morib. i know it's a far far away land from KL, so, please drop by if you want to meet up. or better yet, 'kidnap' me and take me for a raya shopping spree! lol.

that's all for now. will be back with more stories from now on. i have to start writing more i think. it'll be a great help for my assignments. ;)

take care people! i.love.you.all.!!