my oh-so-beautiful night

it's 4 am now.. and i've just finished watching my second and last movie [for now].. i thank my two best friends for such a 'beautiful' movie that i saw just now. fqrl for suggesting it to shambie. and shambie for your effort to download the movie and burn it for me. ;) you guys are just the best!


the movie that took me by surprise for its sweetness and romance was none other than "The Notebook".. starring Ryan Gosling, James Garner et cetera.. well, you can always Google for more info regarding the movie, but in my humble opinion, the love story in The Notebook is so real and oh-so-sweet. it tells about a man who reads a notebook to his wife who's suffering from memory loss. their love for each other remains intact until their last breath..at a very old age.. perhaps too good to be true, but i can't stop wanting to have such a relationship while i was watching the movie. so sweet and beautiful..can't find more suitable words to describe it. gosh, got to see this movie again..and again..and again.. [plus there's the forever-hot James Marsden in it too..who never fails to make my heart smiles with his lovely dimples.. ;)] rotflol. oh, and Ryan Gosling didn't fail me either in this movie. he managed to look manly and macho, which i find it very difficult to imagine at first due to his boyish look. ah, what a movie.. got butterflies all over my tummy watching the actors..




the first movie that i saw, before The Notebook, was "Serendipity".. quite an old movie, but believe it or not, i haven't seen it even though i once had a huge crush on John Cusack back in the days when i was in college. this movie was not a disappointment either. though there were quite a few 'hindustani' scenes in the movie, but it was acceptable. perhaps it was just my mood.. i was feeling rather mellow and the 'theme' for last night's DVD session was ROMANCE. so, anything sweet and lovey-dovey was THE thing. [pa'chik sure tengah muntah reading this entry.. lol.. bear with me, ek pa'chik..]..

tomorrow, the theme's gonna be comedy slash cartoon, i guess. got "Kung Fu Panda" waiting to be watched and also The Rock's "Game Plan".. yeah, i am enjoying my year-end holidays now.. after a year's hard work, i think at least i deserve this much of an entertainment. oh, no.. ayam berkokok already.. it's 4.50 am.. gonna sleep now..

bye~

my [head+throat+heart] hurt.

mentally, my head hurts. too many things to think about. my presentation tomorrow. courses that i need to facilitate the day after all through the coming wednesday. problems keep on coming, and i can't stop thinking about them. really troublesome. watching the news in our national television makes matters worse. i've had enough of the so-called yang berhormats fighting their heads off in the parliament. don't they have better things to do?

physically, my throat hurts too. i wonder why. haven't yelled at my students the past couple of weeks. sometimes it feels itchy too. i want my 'cap ibu dan anak'!! a.s.a.p!!

emotionally, my heart hurts. badly. due to some circumstances that i could not bring myself to write them up for public to read. just so you know that these past few days, Allah's been testing me. whether i can keep myself straight after dugaan demi dugaan given to me. now, i think i had enough of these few people that keep on messing with my head+heart. up to a point that i could not care less of what they do. they won't matter to me anymore.

come school holiday, a.s.a.p. i really need a break from all of this!

a tag before i go hiatus.

miss B commented in my last entry saying that i had been tagged in her blog. thank god she did that, because i couldn't really think of what to write right now. just finished my course(s) and next week i'll sit for my FINAL EXAM!!! really need to ace that.. have to! so, after this tag is done, i might go hiatus for a week or so. just so that i could concentrate on my revision. ececececececece.. *rotflol*

1. When is the last time you ran?
-loooooooong ago?!! *lol*
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears and holes in them?
-awww..sexy! no lah.
3. What are you dreading right now?
-the fact that my final exam's next week, and i have tonnes of my students' exam papers to mark. dang!
4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
-erkk..that's one of my best friends' birthday..anything special that day?!
5. When is the last time you saw your significant other?
-have to LOOK for one first, before i get to SEE him.
6. Do you get the full eight hours of sleep every night?
-not every night.lately, i got only 3-4 hours of sleep. :(
7. What is your favourite current song?
-been listening to LOTSSSSSSS of korean songs. too many favourites, i must say.
8. If anyone came to your house on your lazy days, what would you do?
-if they are not my guest (i.e. my parents'), i'd lock myself in my room and take a nap. ;)
9. Who last grabbed your ass?
-*rotflol* no one, thank god.
10. Have you ever been in your school’s band?
-proudly to say, yes.
11. Do you own a pair of Converse?
-no, don't plan to.
12. Did you copy and paste this survey?
-yup, from no ordinary momster. :)
13. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
-nope. not my thing..
14. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
-when i was in high school, yes. hoping to get another can of coffee. *lol*
15. Do you hate it when a radio ruins a song by playing a slow one after it?
-i hate it when people remix a good song, and make it worse.
16. Do you watch Trading Places?
-once, i think..
17. Have you ever stayed on line a long time waiting for someone?
-ha ha ha. i have. loooooooong time ago..
18. Are you ‘cocky’?
-i think not. but people might see me differently. who knows?
19. Could you live without a computer?
-in this day and age, i think i can't.
20. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
-when i get a new pair of shoes.. i'd walk around the house with them. hehehe..
21. At what age did you find out Santa was not real?
-since forever!
22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are there in your home?
-1 house phone, 3 cells
23. What do you do when you are sad?
-cry, listen to songs, talk to my best friend.
24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
-the same best friend. but of course it's impossible. HARAM ok, the lottery?! *lol*
25. Last time you saw your best friend(s)?
-the one mentioned above, not for a long time. others, i saw them last Eid. :D
26. Who, or What sleeps with you?
-have yet to fine a hubby to sleep with, so now i only sleep with 4 pillows. pathetic, tak?! :(
27. Are you still in High School?
-i wish i am!!!
28. Is anyone on your bad side now?
-alhamdulillah, none that i could think of now.
29. What jewelery are you wearing now?
-a ring, a gold bracelet, D&G watch.
30. What is the first thing that you do when you get on line?
-check my gmail. log on to yahoo messenger.
31. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?
-not religiously, but enough to make me drool over Dr Alex Karev. ;)
32. Would you ever wear a boy/girlfriends clothes?
-i find this very romantic. why not? [yikesss!!so cheeky!] *rotflol*
33. Where do you work?
-in a school, in terengganu.
34. What are you doing on Friday?
-study, prepare sandwiches for my students [they are having their scouts' annual camping]
35. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
-hope not!
36. Favourite name for a girl?
-fatimah naquiyah, hannah humaira.. my nieces' names.
37. Favourite name for a boy?
-hasif hilman, haziq husaini, hassan an nuqman, muaz .. these are all my nephews' names.
38. Will you keep your own name when you get married?
-of course. i am muslim.
39. When is the last time you left your house?
-this morning.
40. Do you return your cart (I assume trolley)?
-sometimes i just left it beside my car. hehe
41. Do you have a dishwasher?
-no.
42. What noise do you hear?
-school bell ringing, rain drops.. aaahhhh.. i like the sound of rain drops..

i'm tagging achik, asni, shambie, shaxu and anyone interested.

of being single and young(er).

is it a sin being a single? did i bring any harm to anyone just because i have not settled down? why do i get treated badly just because i'm not married? i've had enough of these sort of double standards already. since working, approximately 4 years ago, being single is like a death sentence to me (and a few friends). i have to attend courses that those who are married did not want to go, simply because they had problems with 'anak²'. and i have to go to meetings because those same people can't make it due to family problem and i have nothing to think about at home. my god!!!! don't us, single people, have our own problems too? it may not be about children or husband or in-laws, but a problem is a problem no matter how you put it. no one is to judge how great or simple a problem is if you're not the one facing it.

me being single is not a choice. this is what we i like to call fate. if i can just pick anyone to be wed, i would have done it years ago! who does not want to be married and start a family? everybody does. it's just that my 'time' is yet to arrive. and for that, i have to be 'punished' by doing stuff that mostly, are supposed to be done together as colleagues. i am trying my best to settle down, to have my own child(ren) et cetera. maybe i should try harder. but in the mean time, cant' they just give me a break, or better yet, treat me equally?

and is it my fault being born late? and start working when i'm only in my early 20s? me being young [if not the youngest..], is that a ticket for anyone not to show some respect to me? in this day and age, i believe in equality. in order to be respected by everyone, you have to respect others too. i have done my part, the best that i can [i.e respecting my superiors], but why can't they show me some respect too? when they give orders, can't they talk in a softer tone? and show some nice facial expression once in a while.. is that so hard to do? a simple and honest gesture means a lot to anyone.

i know we can't stay young forever. i am already 25 (ouch!!), and that's not young anymore. but being the junior in my workplace, plus a single one too, i don't think i get respected for being me. i maybe younger, but i work like everyone too. so don't i deserve a little bit of respect? can't older people respect their juniors?

these are some of the reasons why i really want to fly away from my workplace. even though it's the best compared to my friends', but i'm afraid i can't handle this kind of pressure anymore. i am, intentionally or not, being DISCRIMINATED just because i am (still) single and young(er).

or, to ease my pain, shall i just find a husband right away?
rotflol.

my OCD and i

i guess the main reason why i can't seem to be blogging on regular basis, for a long period of time, is because i think a lot. a fellow blogger, who's now a doctor, once 'diagnosed' me with "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (OCD). hehehehehe. when i write, i would proof read them over and over just to make sure everything's correct. the spelling, the grammatical part of the sentences et cetera. sometimes, on a rare ocassion, i would mentally plan what i want to write that day. i would read what i've written and would picture myself as the reader..would i be interested in reading what's written there?

i needed perfection in the work i'm doing. even if it's merely a blog.. a personal one to add to that. but being a teacher i guess, i need or have to write well, if not better than my students. lol. plus i personally think that since teaching, my english is deteriorating. things have been going the other way round. it's not my students' level of english that gets better, but mine is getting worse day by day.

this was told by my lecturer [who happens to be an ex-tkcian also..], on the day she interviewed me for my PJJ course, that i need to get out from my school, because my students are making my command of english worse. hehehe. perhaps i'm not much of a exemplary teacher, that's why they are not making any grave progress. lol. but in a way, it does affect me a bit. speaking and writing wise, i'm not as confident as i used to be.

so, my point is.. this OCD thing had an effect on me as a blogger/writer. as the process becomes longer, i slowly feel lazier to write. so, this time around i'll put my foot down and just write whatever comes to my mind. without ever thinking of the correct grammar or if it's interesting enough for the readers. [but sadly i still can't compromise on the spelling part. lol]

oh, and one other thing about blog. i think it works 2-way. when i write, a reader will read. and if that reader has a blog, i will read his/hers. then the reader will leave a comment. so do i. hence, when i am not capable of doing any of those [i.e. leisurely read + comment in others' blogs], i tend to stop writing in mine too.. because i think it's not fair for them to write and write some more yet i couldn't read their entries and leave my p.o.v. to be fair, i just stop writing so that they don't have anything to comment in my blog in return.

but i guess, writing is in my blood. no matter how hard i try, at the end of the day, it still gives me a sense of satisfaction.

a SUPER WEIRD way of thinking? i think it's confirmed now i have OCD.
lol

just not my day

well.. i've written/typed quite a long entry before this, but decided to delete them all.. the words were just so dull. it's like i'm writing in my own personal diary or something like that. lol. as you can see up there, today's just not my day. it started out well this morning. i was feeling happy and cheerful and fresh and full of energy. i came to work feeling very, very positive.

but a colleague informed me a devastating news just as i was about to start work. he told me that our boss [a.k.a the headmistress] was denied of her application for an early retirement by the ministry. my mood changed all of a sudden. in my lab, my mp3 player kept playing moody+gloomy+emo songs all morning. that news was not what i wanted to hear today.

i quickly applied for a transfer right after that. one to kelantan,my hometown and the other one is to besut, a district of terengganu, the nearest to kelantan. i just have to leave this school, i thought. it's not that i don't like it here. in fact, the school's awesome. the facilities are complete. my collegues are all fine, they are very helpful and we are all like siblings already.

it's just that i can't imagine being under her administration for another year. can't handle the pressure. she's just not the type of boss that you'd want to work with. or at least not my type. i know it's beyond my power to 'choose' my boss. and as cliche as it may sound, i know life is not a bed of thorn-less roses. but since i have other options, i would take up any chance that i had in order to 'run away' from her.

today's not my day. hope to hear some thing good soon. sigh~

Letting out & Letting Go

these are the dilemmas i'm having right now. well, not actually dilemmas, they are just the things that i should do, but i think i should not. things regarding 2 of the most important people in my life. i will not go and elaborate further about who they are. the rest is up to your imagination(s). this entry is a follow up of my 'dream' or shall i say 'gangguan syaitan' [because i slept after subuh.]

the first one is about letting out what i truly think to someone. lately, he's being acting extremely weird. weird for his age, weird for his personality. i'm not sure whether weird is the correct word to use, but in short, he's not what he used to be. people closest to me are suffering right now because of his attitude. i cried a bucket when i first heard of his unlikely actions.in my dream, i let out what i felt in his face.he was so shocked, seeing my bold move. i, as everyone knows, am very introvert when it comes to letting out my feelings. i hid what i felt deep inside, no one could ever know it. but in that dream, i was brave enough to stand up and just shout to his ears what i felt. yes, i was satisfied. but in real life, i still don't know whether that's the appropriate thing to do. if i do that, i would be regarded as someone who does not respect the person that should always be respected. this story, only one person knows the details. and i was so grateful i decided to tell that person about it. in a way, i did let out my feelings to someone, even though not to the one i should let it out to. sigh~

next is the classic case of letting go of someone that you know is not meant for you. my closest friends should have no problem relating this story as you guys should know who i'm referring to. the thing is that, in that same dream, i confessed to him that i like(d) him these past 9 years. well, come to think of it, i think this is also a case of letting out my feelings. i think i have managed to let go of him already, out of my heart, but i can't seem to be satisfied without telling him what i used to feel. he's getting married in less than a month, and confessing to him after all these years might seem super-weird!! but i mean no harm. in fact, by telling him about it, i don't think it will change anything. well, maybe i won't be able to face him after this (malu, ok?!), but at the very least, i've told him the truth. i still can remember vividly the 'email' i wrote to him in that dream..[yes, i emailed him, didn't tell him in person!!]..hehehhe..even in that dream, i still malu. still didn't have the courage to tell him face to face or over the phone, even in a dream!!. LOL. erkkk..come to think of it, i haven't seen him (in person) ever since he went abroad. the last time i saw him, i think, was when i sent him @the airport back in '02. gosh!! i was only 19 in '02!! huhuhuhu..

am i even making any sense by writing this? or did i make you readers 'geram' with my attitude that doesn't want to let out what i really and truly feel? hehehehe.. this is me being me. i suffer alone.