my OCD and i

i guess the main reason why i can't seem to be blogging on regular basis, for a long period of time, is because i think a lot. a fellow blogger, who's now a doctor, once 'diagnosed' me with "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (OCD). hehehehehe. when i write, i would proof read them over and over just to make sure everything's correct. the spelling, the grammatical part of the sentences et cetera. sometimes, on a rare ocassion, i would mentally plan what i want to write that day. i would read what i've written and would picture myself as the reader..would i be interested in reading what's written there?

i needed perfection in the work i'm doing. even if it's merely a blog.. a personal one to add to that. but being a teacher i guess, i need or have to write well, if not better than my students. lol. plus i personally think that since teaching, my english is deteriorating. things have been going the other way round. it's not my students' level of english that gets better, but mine is getting worse day by day.

this was told by my lecturer [who happens to be an ex-tkcian also..], on the day she interviewed me for my PJJ course, that i need to get out from my school, because my students are making my command of english worse. hehehe. perhaps i'm not much of a exemplary teacher, that's why they are not making any grave progress. lol. but in a way, it does affect me a bit. speaking and writing wise, i'm not as confident as i used to be.

so, my point is.. this OCD thing had an effect on me as a blogger/writer. as the process becomes longer, i slowly feel lazier to write. so, this time around i'll put my foot down and just write whatever comes to my mind. without ever thinking of the correct grammar or if it's interesting enough for the readers. [but sadly i still can't compromise on the spelling part. lol]

oh, and one other thing about blog. i think it works 2-way. when i write, a reader will read. and if that reader has a blog, i will read his/hers. then the reader will leave a comment. so do i. hence, when i am not capable of doing any of those [i.e. leisurely read + comment in others' blogs], i tend to stop writing in mine too.. because i think it's not fair for them to write and write some more yet i couldn't read their entries and leave my p.o.v. to be fair, i just stop writing so that they don't have anything to comment in my blog in return.

but i guess, writing is in my blood. no matter how hard i try, at the end of the day, it still gives me a sense of satisfaction.

a SUPER WEIRD way of thinking? i think it's confirmed now i have OCD.
lol

Letting out & Letting Go

these are the dilemmas i'm having right now. well, not actually dilemmas, they are just the things that i should do, but i think i should not. things regarding 2 of the most important people in my life. i will not go and elaborate further about who they are. the rest is up to your imagination(s). this entry is a follow up of my 'dream' or shall i say 'gangguan syaitan' [because i slept after subuh.]

the first one is about letting out what i truly think to someone. lately, he's being acting extremely weird. weird for his age, weird for his personality. i'm not sure whether weird is the correct word to use, but in short, he's not what he used to be. people closest to me are suffering right now because of his attitude. i cried a bucket when i first heard of his unlikely actions.in my dream, i let out what i felt in his face.he was so shocked, seeing my bold move. i, as everyone knows, am very introvert when it comes to letting out my feelings. i hid what i felt deep inside, no one could ever know it. but in that dream, i was brave enough to stand up and just shout to his ears what i felt. yes, i was satisfied. but in real life, i still don't know whether that's the appropriate thing to do. if i do that, i would be regarded as someone who does not respect the person that should always be respected. this story, only one person knows the details. and i was so grateful i decided to tell that person about it. in a way, i did let out my feelings to someone, even though not to the one i should let it out to. sigh~

next is the classic case of letting go of someone that you know is not meant for you. my closest friends should have no problem relating this story as you guys should know who i'm referring to. the thing is that, in that same dream, i confessed to him that i like(d) him these past 9 years. well, come to think of it, i think this is also a case of letting out my feelings. i think i have managed to let go of him already, out of my heart, but i can't seem to be satisfied without telling him what i used to feel. he's getting married in less than a month, and confessing to him after all these years might seem super-weird!! but i mean no harm. in fact, by telling him about it, i don't think it will change anything. well, maybe i won't be able to face him after this (malu, ok?!), but at the very least, i've told him the truth. i still can remember vividly the 'email' i wrote to him in that dream..[yes, i emailed him, didn't tell him in person!!]..hehehhe..even in that dream, i still malu. still didn't have the courage to tell him face to face or over the phone, even in a dream!!. LOL. erkkk..come to think of it, i haven't seen him (in person) ever since he went abroad. the last time i saw him, i think, was when i sent him @the airport back in '02. gosh!! i was only 19 in '02!! huhuhuhu..

am i even making any sense by writing this? or did i make you readers 'geram' with my attitude that doesn't want to let out what i really and truly feel? hehehehe.. this is me being me. i suffer alone.

WEIRD, am I??

Assalamualaykum.

On Monday, I received a text message from K Ruby saying that she has "tagged" me.
At that time I was clueless, so I just replied and promised that I would read her blog a.s.a.p.
Alas, I only managed to get online after my first class this morning.
Upon reading the post, I was dumbstrucked.

RULES: People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

I HAVE TO LIST OUT 6 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MYSELF.

Wohooooooooooooo..
The task sounded so simple as I was reading K Ruby's 'weird' habits.
But then I found myself thinking hard about my own list.
[Thinking of how to choose ONLY 6 out of I-don't-know-exactly-how-many weird things about me. LOL]
Well, I'll be a sport and take up K Ruby's challenge.

Here goes.....~

1. I cried while watching "Legally Blonde 2". [Seriously..]

2. If I didn't see my nephews and niece for a week or two, I'd cry when I listen to their voice over the phone. [Baru anak saudara ni, kalau anak sendiri nanti???]

3. Unlike K Ruby, I'm quite a fussy shopper. I took about 2 months surfing the net for the best specification and best deal before I bought my new handphone. And if I like something, I usually bought ONE, because I easily get bored with something. [Economy, maaa..]
But when I went out shopping with my girl friends, I told them to buy basically EVERYTHING that they like. [They like shopping with me anyway..LOL]

4. I like this guy for ages, but still, I haven't got the nerve to confess about my feelings to him. [Weird x? Weird la, these days mana ada orang malu² kucing, kan? huhuhuhu]

5. I could go to sleep at 4 am and woke up at the usual 6 am alarm, and teaching the kids as usual at 8 am. [But then Qada' tidur tak ingat dunia laa after that. hehehehe..]

6. I promised to update my blog on regular basis but failed everytime. Don't you think it's kinda 'W.E.I.R.D', K Ruby? [ROTFL]

There you have it.
The not-that-weird stuff about yours truly.
And since the rules say I have to tag another 6 people, I'll be more than glad to do so.

And the nominees are..............

[Calon-calon nya adalah.......]

Stupe

[since K Ruby didn't tagged you, may I take the honour...hehe..]
Deya

[curiousnya nak tau... ;)]
Shaxu

[6 je..I know you can give more but the rules said 6 only. =D]
Edwin

[can you shorten the list to ONLY 6, eD? LOL]
Zzeed

[can you come up with 6 weird stuff about yourself? I doubt it-lah..]
Nanashahir

[my dear, 6 is enough kan..ke nak lagi? hehehe..]

Till then, take care friends.
Love to hear 'some weird stuff' from all of you.
Wassalam..